Yet again the brave brothers and sisters from the Critter God's order of Lunesdale, set forth to the Holy land and revisited the land of Lawrance of Hurghara. This year the pilgrimage was made up of devoted disciples and it must be said a few unbelievers. However the adventure began on the 2nd day of November the year of 2000 CG (Critter God). The disciples set off at different times and modes of transport to avoid alerting the local Moor Hospital Mental Health authority to a sudden mass move of local clients from the area.

Tim and myself went by train to Manchester Airport and flew from there to Gatwick. This was indeed a top way to travel. We did get stressed out when the internal flight to Gatwick was delayed and we had to go back to the Bar and drink more ale. Once in the travel lodge at Gatwick we sat in the bar and sent top abuse via the mobile text to Tanya who was with Mmartin and Stan. Stan being the navigator. and Stressing Martin out the text abuse did not help the direction of their travel and they were soon lost and Martin had to ask for directions in poor weather conditions. It could only be Martin who could find the only non-English speaking person to ask for directions.

However all was well the next day we all met up at the Airport and exchanged travel stories. Poor Stewart was the top story with his Easy Jet to Luton. He kept going on about the cheap flight to Luton, but alas, by the time he got to Luton, he and his Sister were too late for the last train to Gatwick, so it was £50. up front, for a taxi. Phil and his mate Tim stopped in London with his other mate Barry. Both from the power station. Barry's girlfriend let the three stay over night and I hear Phil was strip searched for missing underwear in the morning.
We all met up in a bar/cafe or the duty free shop! All except that sex warrier Vince, who was hanging around the Customs desk hoping to be rubbed down by the biggest member of staff in high heels and used rubber gloves.

On the plane we were well spread out and well cramped. The flight took us across the channel to Belgium, Germany, Italy the Alps, the forma Vogans, along the Albania coast, down over Athens, across to Crete and over the Med to Alexandria and just over the edge of Cairo. By this time it was getting dark and we were near Hughara.

Once we landed at Hurghara, we managed to get out of the Airport in one piece, only to be set upon by the locals, wanting money for touching your bag. The Rep Mohammed, along with slashed chin, helped us to our bus; after the usual sod off I carried my own bag. At the port we boarded the MV Miss Veena, a beautiful boat that had just been refitted. Twin cabins en suite and a fridge. However the toilet area, or the drainage in the floor, was very smelly.

The dive guide, greeted us and welcomed us to the boat and Diving World. The good news was we were going South to the Brothers. Also on board was a woman, in a nice skimpy red dress and I must confess to glimpsing a flash of grubby knickers. Phil was just getting into drooling mode when she announced that she was not going South as she had just been in the South for the last week. This she said to Sonya our frail looking guide, was not what she had paid for. Mohammed had faced East and buggered off and turned his mobile off. We introduced ourselves to the others on the trip who were not from Lunesdale or Lancashire guests of Lunesdale type of people. There was a young couple from Reading, a nice looking but dateless girl called Louis and her selfish boyfriend named Martin with only one 'M'. An ex Navy dived every where bloke who had dived in all makes and types of gear. His name: Clive, or as he was named by true Lunesdale niceness, Captain Nemo. His objective, to dive like a total Git. This he acheived very well. Throughout the week he told us of his travel on a private yacht. He kept mentioning his Commercial Skippers ticket, up to 30,000 tons. I impressed him with my claim to have Hepis up to 3000.000 bactira, but I don't brag. The woman in the red dress, called Helen, left the boat, not in the best of moods with the organisation skills of Diving World. She was replaced by a young RAF guy called Dex who was being paid in his last two months of service to learn to be a diving instructor. He was also being sponsored by Diving World. He was waiting to go to Australia for a few weeks at tax payers' expense. Fair play to him.

The biggest shock to us all on the boat was the price for a small 33cl tin of beer, $3.00 a tin. We did complain, but it was the price every boat was charging. Rip off, indeed. But if you were switched on like most of us you brought the Gatwick duty free shop with you. Stan, once brought round by Vince and reassured his money belt was doing fine and had it's own pulse, was into his duty frees. Phil, who had the title of party animal, sat with Tanya and watched as Martin ripped his crown from him, in a mega-drunken state, he and Stan, who had just confessed to the middle east peace talks in very loud decibels that he was a tit man, boarded a boat full of Germans. Well one German took the eye of Stan as she was well top heavy and well within Stan's fantasy limits. He does have limits, very low limits, but he does have them. By this time Martin believed he was the second coming to the Jews and he was the Christ child and tried as hard as he could to walk on the water between the two boats, unlike the mere mortal Stan who climbed over the rails. Lucky for Martin that Tanya and Phil did not see him as the Christ child and prevented him from ending his trip there and then. Anyway in the very early hours they did pack in the shouting and drinking and all fell silent. Tanya unpacked her Lard, Stewart and his sister could now hear themselves argue and we all got some sleep.

The next day we set sail very early to the Shefton area of the Red Sea for our first dive on our way to the Brothers. Stan and Martin had to be called many times for the dive brief once on site. Martin never made it at all. He never made it for the next day and a half. He was sh^t faced, on gin and paid the price for kicking the arse out of it. Stan tried to keep Martin quiet about him filling the sink with aircraft food and drink in the morning. Both suffered when we set sail for the Brothers and she started to hit the big waves. Sue, Stewart and Louise decorated the starboard side of the boat with breakfast. Vince was doing well with his patches and kept what little food he had down. He looked like a bag of sh^t and as white as some thing washed in Daz man.

The first dive me and Yoda Tim (So Jadi diver you want to be?) Nicholson, saw two Dolphins that swam right next to us. The second dive at the Brothers, the smaller Brother, we saw a Turtle that got stuck in the Coral and I had to help free it. It was tops. We also saw two large Silver Tip Sharks. Most of us saw the Turtle and sharks.

The diving over the next few days was good and there was lots to see. Phil Finning Passmore will disagree. But he did flash through the water back on the boat and sun worship. So he become, "What Reef ?" Phil.

We did get up very early to get three dives in a day, as there were no night dives allowed in the Brothers. The first dive we dedicated to Dave the Critter God and went the wrong way on the reef. When we surfaced we got caught in a current off out to sea a wee bit. Yoda had his Jedi divers flag and all six of us got picked up. Which was rather nice. By the second dive on the second day I found a top way to attract the fish to one's self. It is a simple trick, you just have a dodgie tummy and what you think is wind does the rest. However it was pointed out by Up and Mad for it, Rob a Londoner living in Manchester who came with our group, that one should wait until the dive ladder is clear before hosing out your wet suit and trunks. He did not think the sight of me over the edge of the boat, flushing myself down as well as out, was a sight he wanted to see climbing up the ladder at the rear of the boat. I did point out, and stress the point, that I could have been even more self self self and cleaned my self up over the top of the ladder.

We moved from the little Brother to the larger of the two. Here there were two wrecks. A Japanese freighter and an Eygptian supply ship. The diving was good here but due to the currents we had dived and gone past the same bit of reef heading back to the boat three times. If we went past the same spots again we would have qualified for post codes.

There is a lighthouse on the largest Brother that was built by the British in the 19th Century. The island was manned, by a Lighthouse keeper, Sahib, his assistant, three military men in civilian rags and four labourers. We went ashore on to the dirt bugger all there island and we had a quick tour of the light house. Sahib took a liking to Stewart, while I tried to sell his sister. I think I would have made a good deal if she was of another gender.

By the time we left it was dark and time for eating; the food was good, but mainly bland. By the end of the 3rd day's diving Stewart and his Sister Anne were heading for a divorce, Louise had completed her second dive. I can not understand anyone with only a few dives to their name and most of them are training dives. But I think it was more to do with her boyfriend Martin being a bit self, self, self.

The team had only a few late nights as being up very early took it out of us. The second night I took my self and my arse to bed at half past Six and did not awake until Six O'clock the next morning. Mind you I did wake with a sore bum and a dollar next to my pillow. (A mystery)
Life on board was good and there were no fallouts with anyone. We made our way back up North and back to Shefton. We dived the reefs around that area and we could do a night dive. So it was Critter hunting time. However the critters were poor, all except a strange looking pink and clear tube shaped thing with black arm type things that come from the head or rear. We could not find anything near the critter in any of the dive books, so it become known as Colon critter or intestineus thing.

The last day we headed back to port and dived around Gifton Island. The area was like diving on the moon. The day boats over the years had taken their toll. We ended up in a good hotel and the troops made the most of the facilities. As me and Tim sat on our balcony, we heard the crys of Stan and Phil, "WASZA!" As we consumed half a bottle of gin and emptied the room mini bar we watched Stan and Phil, take part in the hotel's aerobic class by the pool. Stan with his baseball cap back to front, baggie T shirt and British standard knee length shorts lead the way in full of drink and unfit holiday maker taking the pi*s out of our overseas cousins

I believe the club had a good trip and a good time in the Red Sea. At times there were a few hiccups along the way in the putting together of the trip, but all went well and once again Lunesdale has left an impression on the Red Sea. What next for the club? Well I have a few ideas, but not the Red sea again, it's time to look else where for a trip in the future. So start putting your beer tokens away.

I would like to thank all who went on the trip and made it another memorable one.

Cheers
CHALKY